i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
