Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Randomize
