guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
