I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Randomize
