I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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