What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Randomize
