Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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