every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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