I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
