i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
