God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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