So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
