The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Why can't burritos get me drunk
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
