awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
