Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
