Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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