If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Randomize
