Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
3 2 1 whiskey
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
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