if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
