Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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