Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.�
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
