This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I stole a fireplace last night.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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