:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
