I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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