I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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