Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
Randomize
