garbage
garbage dick
rubbish cock
you win
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
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