life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Randomize
