I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
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