i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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