it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
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