Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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