i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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