Please don't use social media to get back at me.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
