My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
