You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
cat food counts as protein by the way
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
