my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
