I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
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