can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
