So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
