I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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