I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I stole a fireplace last night.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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