I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Randomize
