I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Can I color on your dick again?
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
