I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
