i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
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