Don't make out with my wife yet
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Randomize
