i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I'm like, not good at living.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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