i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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