How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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