I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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