That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
