Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
